Adopt a terrorist program....

ADOPT A TERRORIST!

 

       A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the

Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive

insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National

Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

 

National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

 

Dear Concerned Citizen,

 

      Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound

concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured

by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the

Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan

officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

 

      Our administration takes these matters seriously and your

opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be

pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we

are creating a new department here at the Department of National

Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'

program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

 

      In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have

decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists  and place

them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the

country, under those citizens’ personal care. Your personal detainee

has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily

armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

 

      Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be

cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your

letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct

weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are

commensurate with your recommendations.

 

      Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope

that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal

problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are

correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We

understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling,

however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant

caretakers.

 

      Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about

your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are

sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide

variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you

may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this

might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple

items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him

to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose

to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

 

      Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters

except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby

having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a

particularly sensitive subject for him.

 

      You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around

women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as

more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity

offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of

'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your

letter.

 

      You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to

have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you

encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

 

      Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks

like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for

our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

 

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense