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Sunday, August 4, 2013

Adopt a terrorist program....

       A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the
Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive
insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
      Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound
concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured
by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the
Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan
officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
      Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be
pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we
are creating a new department here at the Department of National
Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
      In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists  and place
them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the
country, under those citizens’ personal care. Your personal detainee
has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily
armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
      Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct
weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are
commensurate with your recommendations.
      Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal
problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are
correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We
understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling,
however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant
      Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about
your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are
sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide
variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you
may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this
might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple
items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him
to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose
to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.
      Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby
having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a
particularly sensitive subject for him.
      You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around
women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as
more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity
offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of
'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your
      You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to
have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you
encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
      Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for
our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense